When is it too far… how much disrespect is too much?

Seeking Advice
1

TLDR - My boss is acting disrespectful, and I’m not sure if I’m just being too sensitive or if this is normal. I feel frustrated and would love any advice.

My boss says some pretty harsh things to the staff, and I’m starting to question if my anger is worth it or if this is just how every kitchen is.

He’s mostly unpleasant, especially when it’s busy, he gets flustered and snaps at us. Pretty much typical kitchen stuff, but that’s not even the main issue.

On my first day, I’m trying to learn by watching him use some new equipment I haven’t worked with before, but he suddenly snaps, “I don’t like when people just stand there watching. Do something productive.” I wanted to explain that I was just trying to learn, but he cuts me off with, “I don’t do the back talk thing.” Alright then… guess I won’t know how to use that.

Then my partner comes in to help with a busy event, and at one point, he’s wearing sunglasses because we’re half outside, and it’s super bright. Boss thinks my partner is “staring at him” and tells him, “If you keep staring at me, we’re gonna have a problem, bro.” Now he’s disrespecting my partner, who’s not even on payroll, just helping out because we’re shorthanded. Real nice way to treat a guest worker.

When anyone makes a small mistake, he loves to say, “That’s food from my kids’ mouths.” This guy lives in a nice area, is always buying shoes, and was just looking at installing a pool… but yeah, we’re supposedly taking food away from his family with each mistake. I grew up not having enough food, so hearing that is extra frustrating because I know what that really means.

There’s so much more of this kind of talk, and meanwhile, he keeps talking about his love for food, wanting “passionate people” who want to be there. I love what I do, but it’s hard to be motivated when this is the person I’m working for. He’s “cool” until he’s not. Sorry, this turned into a longer rant, but I just feel so tired of thinking every “cool boss” turns out to be the same in the end. Feels like I’m working for a version of my dad, honestly, and it sets me off in a specific way. Worst part? It’s the best-paying job I’ve had so far. Am I doomed to work for guys like my dad in every kitchen?

2

You don’t have to put up with someone talking down to you like that unless it’s the only way to survive. At work, at home, anywhere.

3

I don’t put up with that either. Worked for an owner who was just like that, yelling over the smallest things. One day he snapped at me for leaving one small dish in the sink because I was grabbing ingredients for prep. I quit the next day. It’s just not worth it.

4

Honestly, I’d just walk out. Your boss sounds like he’s acting more like he’s starting a fight than managing a kitchen.

5

Didn’t even need to read it all, he’s just another guy with a huge ego. I’d never talk to any of my staff that way, and if I ever hear someone talk like that, I shut it down fast. None of that is necessary.

6

Thanks, it actually helps to hear this from someone who’s a boss. Makes me feel like I don’t have to just accept it as “how kitchens are.”

7

People like that are everywhere. However, I’ve noticed that I get better results from my team by respecting them. Even on my worst days, I keep it professional.

Once, I snapped at someone because I was stressed and blurted out something harsh. I apologized immediately because it wasn’t cool. Most people get it, and it was fine after that. But some people are just into this “tough guy” act.

For me, teamwork is about understanding where my team is at, whether they’re having a good day or not. It’s not that I’m just trying to be nice, it’s that it makes the work easier and more productive when everyone feels respected.

I think it’d be good to talk to someone about that. We all have stuff that bothers us, but if this is coming up in other situations, maybe it’s worth exploring with someone.

8

Thanks, this really helps. I know I probably need to talk to my therapist about my dad issues—I just feel like I keep seeing him in people like my boss.

It’s frustrating because no matter how busy or stressed we get, the younger crew and I all manage to keep it respectful. So why can’t he? It’s like… how are we doing fine, and he’s in his 40s and acting out? Ever seen A League of Their Own? It’s like that dynamic but with a “boss” who can’t handle it.

9

How are you supposed to do your job well if he won’t show you anything? Plus, everything else you’ve described… total jerk. I’d start looking for a better place to work.

10

Oh, you know, I’m just expected to “figure it out” while we’re in the middle of service! That’s his idea of training.

11

He doesn’t do the “back talk thing”? Wow. Feels like he’s overcompensating. I’d have a hard time not laughing.

12

Didn’t read all of it, but if someone is mean to you and it bothers you, that’s a good enough reason to be done with it. They shouldn’t be mean, especially at work.

13

Some people are just too soft.

14

Anyone helping you succeed deserves respect. Not threats or yelling. Sounds like you’re just one of those people who can’t control their temper.

15

Wasn’t saying you’re soft.

Just saying some people are.

But yeah, you’re right about quitting. Sounds like you’d do better somewhere else.